Dear E news:
stop calling rhianna rhi rhi. it so dumb.
Chris Portraits
12 years ago
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Why vampires aren't sexy
They kill you.
Original vampires, the ones people think are real and also come from legends, don't even have fangs.
They're the living dead and therefore share some characteristics with zombies, which, in case you weren't already aware, also kill you.
They don't only go after people. They also go after animals such as cattle. They're not craving your blood specifically. To them, you're just as good as your neighbor's goat.
They have to dig themselves out of their graves to go do their murderous blood-sucking. Therefore, they are filthy and probably stink (even more than they already do, since they're dead).
Due to the fact that they're dead, they very likely have HORRIBLE breath, which would undoubtedly make kissing them (you know you want to) terribly unpleasant. Nevermind the fact that they probably have no sex drive. BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD.
There are some legends of female vampires that prefer not to suck your blood, but to eat your innards. Specifically, they eat the fetuses out of pregnant women. Oh, that's hot. (These varieties of vampires also eat phlegm. Yes, they are booger-eaters. ["The mucus queen is all yours."])
Give it up.
Also, Robert Pattison has a weird face.
Original vampires, the ones people think are real and also come from legends, don't even have fangs.
They're the living dead and therefore share some characteristics with zombies, which, in case you weren't already aware, also kill you.
They don't only go after people. They also go after animals such as cattle. They're not craving your blood specifically. To them, you're just as good as your neighbor's goat.
They have to dig themselves out of their graves to go do their murderous blood-sucking. Therefore, they are filthy and probably stink (even more than they already do, since they're dead).
Due to the fact that they're dead, they very likely have HORRIBLE breath, which would undoubtedly make kissing them (you know you want to) terribly unpleasant. Nevermind the fact that they probably have no sex drive. BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD.
There are some legends of female vampires that prefer not to suck your blood, but to eat your innards. Specifically, they eat the fetuses out of pregnant women. Oh, that's hot. (These varieties of vampires also eat phlegm. Yes, they are booger-eaters. ["The mucus queen is all yours."])
Give it up.
Also, Robert Pattison has a weird face.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Classroom Etiquette
Here are some rules for students out there about how to be a student:
1. If you are using you computer for notes try not to look at ridiculous things (such as S Club 7 music videos on YouTube, you know who you are girl in my history class) that may be distracting to me and my fellow notebook note takers.
2. If the professor is using power point, and those lectures are posted online, DO NOT TELL THEM TO GO BACK! SCREW YOU BUDDY SUCKS YOU CANT WRITE FAST ENOUGH. Here's a hint: don't write every word down because guess what ? ITS ALL ONLINE! I find this to be extra annoying in large gen ed all freshman classes. So, freshman, get with it, professors will hate you if you keep up this annoying behavior.
3. If you come in late, use the doors at the back if you can. And don't walk in front of the professor. This applies if you leave early as well. When arriving late, if there are no seats on or near the end of the rows, don't walk in front of everyone and scoot your way to the middle. Sit in the aisle or in the back. Its your fault for being late so you can deal.
4. Last but not least, refrain from talking so much to you friends, unless you are me and you are sitting in polisci 101, which sucks so its OK.
If, you follow all of these simple rules you will inevitably succeed. And people wont hate you enough to make a blog dedicated to complaining about you.
1. If you are using you computer for notes try not to look at ridiculous things (such as S Club 7 music videos on YouTube, you know who you are girl in my history class) that may be distracting to me and my fellow notebook note takers.
2. If the professor is using power point, and those lectures are posted online, DO NOT TELL THEM TO GO BACK! SCREW YOU BUDDY SUCKS YOU CANT WRITE FAST ENOUGH. Here's a hint: don't write every word down because guess what ? ITS ALL ONLINE! I find this to be extra annoying in large gen ed all freshman classes. So, freshman, get with it, professors will hate you if you keep up this annoying behavior.
3. If you come in late, use the doors at the back if you can. And don't walk in front of the professor. This applies if you leave early as well. When arriving late, if there are no seats on or near the end of the rows, don't walk in front of everyone and scoot your way to the middle. Sit in the aisle or in the back. Its your fault for being late so you can deal.
4. Last but not least, refrain from talking so much to you friends, unless you are me and you are sitting in polisci 101, which sucks so its OK.
If, you follow all of these simple rules you will inevitably succeed. And people wont hate you enough to make a blog dedicated to complaining about you.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A letter to...
To the girl in my education class who thinks I don't see her,
I see you over there, finger in nose, eyes nervously darting around the room, hoping that nobody sees the golden nugget you're trying so desperately to extract from your left nostril. Take it to the bathroom. Shove it in some toilet paper and throw it away. I know you're just going to stick it to the bottom of your desk. And one day, maybe a year from now, some other student is going to sit in that very desk and the top of their hand is going to graze the underside of the desk and feel the crusty remains of mucous past come undone and they will look at their hand, booger and all, horrified, and clean up your mess for you. It's gross. Don't be a jerk.
I see you over there, finger in nose, eyes nervously darting around the room, hoping that nobody sees the golden nugget you're trying so desperately to extract from your left nostril. Take it to the bathroom. Shove it in some toilet paper and throw it away. I know you're just going to stick it to the bottom of your desk. And one day, maybe a year from now, some other student is going to sit in that very desk and the top of their hand is going to graze the underside of the desk and feel the crusty remains of mucous past come undone and they will look at their hand, booger and all, horrified, and clean up your mess for you. It's gross. Don't be a jerk.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
And ...
I'm a loud sneezer. Tonight I was in my room doing homework and I had one of my loud sneezes. Somebody across the hall yelled "bless you!" So thanks guy.
This is how you say it:
It's pronounced "Am-erst," not "Am-hurst." Also:
"North-ampton," not "North-hampton."
Just as a heads up.
"North-ampton," not "North-hampton."
Just as a heads up.
not to be antisocial but:
not to be antisocial but: dont sit at a table full of people when there are sooo many empty ones. thank you.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Bicycles
The other day I was struck by a bicyclist. His reaction: watch where you're walking.
Excuse me?! You're on a bike! You HIT ME!! So to all you bikers out there: it is your responsibility to not hit THE PEDESTRIANS.
Excuse me?! You're on a bike! You HIT ME!! So to all you bikers out there: it is your responsibility to not hit THE PEDESTRIANS.
Learn to walk.
This happens to me everywhere I go, and it's equally irritating every time. People walk at a glacial pace while you're right behind them trying to get somewhere. Maybe you have someplace to be five minutes ago or that's just your natural pace. Either way, these people suddenly stop right in front of you, causing a sort of traffic buildup in the area surrounding them. It seems they never notice the trouble they've caused or how annoying it is that they're directly in the way. Come on. The day one of these people stops short in front of me in the DC and makes me spill something all over myself is the day they really get it. All I'm saying is that some of us don't have the time to move at a leisurely pace all the time, and we really don't appreciate getting trapped in your slowzone without warning.
It's not even Thanksiving!
So I've noticed that stores are putting out Christmas items quite early this year. It is way too early to be in the holiday spirit. Thanksgiving is the marker, and even then I'm never feeling very merry until after I've taken my last final. Also, I happen to love Thanksgiving and right now Christmas is taking away Thanksgiving's thunder. Let's not skip over this great American holiday. I wanna see some turkeys around next time I go shopping.
dear smokers of umass: ive
dear smokers of umass:
ive come to the conclusion that you are all not aware of a concept called the "smoker pole". use them.
ive come to the conclusion that you are all not aware of a concept called the "smoker pole". use them.
Friday, November 13, 2009
I know this is a trite complaint, but...
Okay, I know that about 98% of campus (and the rest of the fashion-conscious world) has heard this, but it is time for girls to quit the shit with the leggings and North Face jackets. Nevermind the Uggs, I'll get to those later.
First of all, this is New England; the temperature is dropping pretty rapidly, and as each degree makes the air colder your outfit loses practicality. Leggings: Get it. They're comfortable. They probably keep your thighs nice and toasty when it's 60 or 70 degrees outside. But when you look out the window in the morning and notice frost on the grass and think to yourself, "I think I'll wear my black leggings today," it's a wee bit fucked up. When it starts getting that cold, it's a better idea to wear them under your low-rise jeans or even your puke-yellow Live For Pink sweatpants. Personally, I really don't understand why so many people wear this ensemble; underwear lines (yes, we can see your thong lines) and camel-toes are not the least bit attractive. It certainly doesn't help that 99% of the girls who dress this way on a regular basis have an eerily similar haircut. I'm sure that people have thrown the word "clone" around in reference to these unfashionable doppelgangers, but it seems as if the clones don't understand just how accurate the description is.
What's really freaky, though, is the tendency for these girls to band together. They are almost always walking in packs. I have a few friends who send me pictures from their cell phones whenever he gets stuck walking behind one of these herds. I receive these messages with shocking frequency.
And now to the touchy subject of Ugg boots. I get that they're warm and they're probably cozy too. Maybe they are a practical fall boot. But only when it's not raining or snowing, because they are not waterproof. Hence their impracticality in wintertime. I get less annoyed seeing people wearing jeans with their Uggs and North Face jackets simply because they look better (especially when the jeans are not tucked into the boots) and those girls are not trying so hard for people to notice their super unique and never-before-seen personal style. Aside from wearers ignoring the fact that the boots are not waterproof, the Ugg boot is made from sheepskin. Which means that an animal had to die in order for you to have your precious, hideous boots (the same ones that everyone else has and which do not make you stand out in any way). Personally, I am against wearing anything that is made from a dead animal or by the hands of a child in a sweatshop. But I'll save my anger about child labor in mainstream fashion for another post. (Just so you know, Converse was bought out by Nike. You know, those guys who don't pay their five-year-old workers for making their sneakers and soccer balls.)
I don't really have anything against the North Face jacket. They look pretty warm and seem durable. The one thing that bothers me about it is the fact that everybody and their mother has one, in either pink or black. There is such a small amount of stylistic individuality in college and you'd think that students would see college as a time to experiment with their looks.
Whatever, as long as the girls who wear these three things at once don't try to call themselves fashionable.
First of all, this is New England; the temperature is dropping pretty rapidly, and as each degree makes the air colder your outfit loses practicality. Leggings: Get it. They're comfortable. They probably keep your thighs nice and toasty when it's 60 or 70 degrees outside. But when you look out the window in the morning and notice frost on the grass and think to yourself, "I think I'll wear my black leggings today," it's a wee bit fucked up. When it starts getting that cold, it's a better idea to wear them under your low-rise jeans or even your puke-yellow Live For Pink sweatpants. Personally, I really don't understand why so many people wear this ensemble; underwear lines (yes, we can see your thong lines) and camel-toes are not the least bit attractive. It certainly doesn't help that 99% of the girls who dress this way on a regular basis have an eerily similar haircut. I'm sure that people have thrown the word "clone" around in reference to these unfashionable doppelgangers, but it seems as if the clones don't understand just how accurate the description is.
What's really freaky, though, is the tendency for these girls to band together. They are almost always walking in packs. I have a few friends who send me pictures from their cell phones whenever he gets stuck walking behind one of these herds. I receive these messages with shocking frequency.
And now to the touchy subject of Ugg boots. I get that they're warm and they're probably cozy too. Maybe they are a practical fall boot. But only when it's not raining or snowing, because they are not waterproof. Hence their impracticality in wintertime. I get less annoyed seeing people wearing jeans with their Uggs and North Face jackets simply because they look better (especially when the jeans are not tucked into the boots) and those girls are not trying so hard for people to notice their super unique and never-before-seen personal style. Aside from wearers ignoring the fact that the boots are not waterproof, the Ugg boot is made from sheepskin. Which means that an animal had to die in order for you to have your precious, hideous boots (the same ones that everyone else has and which do not make you stand out in any way). Personally, I am against wearing anything that is made from a dead animal or by the hands of a child in a sweatshop. But I'll save my anger about child labor in mainstream fashion for another post. (Just so you know, Converse was bought out by Nike. You know, those guys who don't pay their five-year-old workers for making their sneakers and soccer balls.)
I don't really have anything against the North Face jacket. They look pretty warm and seem durable. The one thing that bothers me about it is the fact that everybody and their mother has one, in either pink or black. There is such a small amount of stylistic individuality in college and you'd think that students would see college as a time to experiment with their looks.
Whatever, as long as the girls who wear these three things at once don't try to call themselves fashionable.
Silverware Splashin' Sucks
While putting my dishes away this evening some douche literally threw his silverware into the dish tub, splashing a large amount of disgusting Franklin filth water onto my shirt. There is no need to hold you fork a foot above the water and drop it in. A fork gently placed into a dishtub ensures a safe and friendly dining common environment. Thank You.
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